Maya and her husband Koki

8 Principles For a Healthy Relationship With Your Partner – Special Parenting and Your Relationship

Special parenting comes with a lot of challenges. Every day it’s a race with the time. There are tight schedules and a huge amount of stress. Its physically and emotionally exhausting. You know that finances become an issue very soon after the diagnosis. Many things are not covered by health insurance, so we have to take the things into our own hands. Different therapies are necessary for our child, vitamins, supplements, special diet, etc. When it comes to finances and how special parents are handling all of that, I’d say that we are wizards most of the time. This adds up to the stress.

Naturally, all of this is reflecting on the relationship with your partner. Many relationships break under the pressure of special parenting. In general, relationships are challenging either way, but things can get really rough when you are special parents.

This article is about the importance of sticking together.

My husband and I are married for 8 years, and we are together for 11 years. In our marriage, things sometimes are hard. But the crucial reason why we stayed together is that we are honest with each other as well as – we are very honest with ourselves too. We are aware that there is not such a thing as a perfect person, and that each one of us has flaws. And each one of us has strengths.

It’s where your focus is and how you will choose to look at things.

Of course, my husband may describe our marriage differently and why we decided to stick together. He might even add something.

Any relationship could use some more work and improvement.

From my side, the way I see it, our relationship and marriage are an opportunity for me to be more of who I am. I feel that my personality has grown during this time of being together. There is not only one sole reason for that. It is simply the atmosphere we build together that allows us to grow and expand. And to follow our passions and to create goals and habits each of us wants.

Our marriage improved a lot more since we both committed to personal development. Once we started to open our views, we understood more other people and the events in our lives. And we expended the understanding we have for each other.

I never stopped to acknowledge and appreciate him and his personality in all the stages we’ve gone through so far. I got to see that the man I married, besides being a great partner, is also a wonderful father. He is so caring with Joana.

What are the things that will keep the relationship strong?

Understanding in marriage

It is important to have an understanding. But not like a cliche’ “love and understand each other.” I am talking about true meaningful understanding.

What does that mean?

Whenever a mistake is made, understand that it’s not the other person’s personality. It is something that is happening at that moment. When you prepare to attack, to make a judgment, or to criticize, ask yourself 2-3 times if that is even the real reason why you are upset or is it something else. More of the half of the fights can be prevented from happening if you reexamine the reason for being upset.

My life had changed when I started to use the principle: When you act, do that always from the place of love. When in a fight, I try not to just satisfy my ego by criticizing and attacking but to understand as much as I can about his point of view.

Understanding is important in every relationship. But when having special children, it’s crucial. Don’t make remarks that the other did more or less that day. Understand that both of you are doing the best you can. Understand that sometimes the other needs a break. Admit that one is better with finances, documentation, and planning. At the same time, the other is better with organization, therapies, hospital, and entertainment.

Be supportive when one of you feels the need to commit to a new hobby for a while or wants to learn something and needs some time to do that. Give more than you receive, and it will get back to you double. If you want your partner to make you happy, you will wait forever. No one can do that for you, but you. Happiness is a state of mind. You decide how happy you are by appreciating the things you have in your life and being grateful. Why don’t you try to make your partner happy instead of waiting for the other way around? Only then will you receive the same because we always receive what we spread in the world. Always.

Have an understanding that there will be fights but that you two can overcome them.

Love

Not needing too much comment on this. It’s hard for me to imagine how one marriage/partnership can last without love. Give your best to give love to each other as much as you can. The relationship you have is not about contract and “have too-s”; it’s about feelings.

Fun 

Create memories together, travel more, or organize relaxing nights with friends.

Read the same book this month and then talk about that. This is my favorite.

Laugh more. Tell jokes or talk about funny situations from the past. The good thing is that almost everything that once was a problem now is a reason for laughing.

We have anecdotes all you want. Things to laugh at from our wedding, and from the time we bought so many things in Barcelona, we spent 2 whole days trying to organize our suitcase to return home. And from the period of obsessively playing board games and fighting all the time while playing. And from the time when we needed precisely 52 minutes and 3 people to change Joana’s diaper the first 2 days at home. And each time one of us said something embarrassing in public and the other one got to laugh at later. You all can think of something funny from the past. Laugh more.

There is too much stress when special parenting, like hospitals, waiting for the results for the diagnose, finance crises… You can schedule a meeting if you need to, particular day and hour where you will commit that you will sit and talk only funny things that happened or anything humorous.

When we are in that mood, we have the best time. And also, great ideas come to mind. We think of joined projects that we are getting excited to accomplish. We think of ways we can grow together. You can become more as a couple by having more fun and laughter.

Romance 

Keep the sparkle alive. Organize dates at least 1 a month, just the two of you. Be innovative and playful. It doesn’t have to be a restaurant. It can be riding bikes in nature for a couple hours.

Or if you have the chance, go away for a weekend. What matters is to take the time for yourself and to tell each other what you love about the other. To remind each other of the common dreams you have. To appreciate what every one of you contributes to the relationship. But the rule is no children-talk and money-talk on these meetings😊.

Sticking together

Many people around you will have many different opinions about what you should do, how to take care of the child, and what steps you should take next. We’ve made some very drastic moves in our lives when Joana was born. When I think of the moment of the decision in my memory is only the fact that we were sticking together in our decisions and plans.

I can’t say that we had any obstructions from our parents and families. But, frankly, I don’t remember consulting anyone about anything regarding Joana and about our decision to move to Germany.

Our joint strength was strong from the beginning, and we just informed everyone what we would do. We weren’t asking for opinion, permission, or approval. Our focus was always on the best thing for Joana and us and not what the people from our environment would say.

When you discuss how to handle each challenge at the time, stick together, and consider the opinions you both have. When it comes to your child, you are the parents and know the best what to do. And that is also when it comes to every other decision you need to make. Your two opinions are enough.

So, stick together and any doubt or issue you have resolve between the two of you. In your intimate relationship, there is only room for the two of you and your children. And no one knows what’s the best for you but yourself.

Fighting 

How do you act when in a fight? It is a very important subject.

Fights happen out of the blue sky, or sometimes after the things pile up on top of each other and something breaks and -bum! But the way you fight defines how long your marriage is going to last. I can tell that we both have some sort of awareness while fighting.

I can feel the effort we both bring not to get away too much and not to say something hurtful. He is more successful in this, then I am. Never ever, he told an ugly word. Never. And for me, I might go a little too far once or twice. There are no excuses, although I am tempted to say at least 100 justifications in my favor😊. The funny thing is, I can’t even remember what those words were, but I know I felt I’ve gone too far by saying that.

You have to have your boundaries when fighting. Ugly words said as an offense to the other leave wounds and then scars. It can’t be unsaid.

Boundaries in marriage

It’s ok to set boundaries. Not in a way to give restraints and orders to the other side.

I am talking of boundaries like in a way: what are the things you can tolerate from the other, and what you cannot.

We all have this kind of boundary, so it’s better to say them out loud. There are things that we can overcome. But you can say: my boundaries are such, and this is the point of my tolerance.

And I strongly believe that there is nothing that sincere conversation cannot solve.

Friendship

You can count on having a long and healthy relationship if you are best friends.

This is one of the things that keeps our relationship strong. How are you acting with your best friends?

You support each other, feel joy about the other’s successes, sometimes put away the things you are doing to be there for them, sometimes they are putting away something they are doing and are here for you. You trust each other, and you give yourself space and freedom.

You are partners, lovers, and soulmates, but you can also be best friends. That completes the magic. And that makes every challenge easier.

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